I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
