the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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