When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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