Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
