Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
