Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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