Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
