God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
