my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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