I feel like abortions should bother me more
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
