my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
