So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
