I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
