i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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