I wish my penis had an off switch
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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