Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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