I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
