mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
