Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
