I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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