I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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