it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
