time to smoke my breakfast
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
