Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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