in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
After tacos, we're chasing women.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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