I want to make a zoo with you.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
