Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
