Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
