you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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