She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
