even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
