Michael Bay diarrhea
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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