Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
