shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
my vag is so smooth its legendary
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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