And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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