I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
