just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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