But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
