the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
