Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just found a bag of teeth...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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