I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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