So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
