I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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