I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
