I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
