my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
