Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
