I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
