I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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