Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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