Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
