Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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